Friday, November 21, 2008

i am a pear

I took this personality test online. Just before heading to bed. I'm hoping to get some sleep with this blocked nose.

So, what fruit am I? A pear.

I do agree with some of the descriptions, happy with a few others and unsure about the rest. The test might be inaccurate or I just didn't pick the accurate answer.

Anyway, I do enjoy sweet juicy ripe pear. Ah, may be I should get some of them from the Moore Street market tomorrow.

You Are a Pear

You are independent, intelligent, and a free thinker.

You can accomplish great things, especially when you do them on your own.

You are direct, honest, and sometimes even a bit brutal.

There's not much that gets in the way of you and your ambition.

While you are hard nosed, you do have a much sweeter side to you.

It takes times for you to soften toward someone, but once you do, you'll be their friend for life.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

any chemist well stock?

I honestly pity this blog. Hidup segan mati tak mahu. But I'd rather keep it for the meantime. I may wake up after the winter ends.

Today was a better day than a couple of days before. However, I had a problem which only settled a few minutes ago. It was nothing of a problem actually. I was trying to renew my library loans online since morning. Three books are due at 9.45pm tonight. However, I can't logged in. The reasons given are my student ID number is not recognised or the server is busy.

Okay, I assumed the latter. Then my laptop acted up. Hmmph, I guess it was because of the new antivirus programme that I use. After my laptop gained conciousness, I tried again, and again, and again... and still failed to get in. Half furious, half anxious, I tried again. Still.

Okay, I just get my ID card. There you are! I think you know what had been happening all along. I got my ID number wrong. The number that I've been using frequently over more than three years!

Ahh... may be I can choose to blame everything on the weather. I wasn't in my top form these days. Not so much of depression (obviously I don't even have reason for that!) but I just feel like sleeping all the time. Then, yesterday my sore throat was worsening and I started to cough. In the evening, I already started to add on sneezing and muscle pain on my list of symptoms. Today, I added runny nose on top of worsened cough, swollen tonsils and tight chest. Now, may I give my impression?

Subsyndromal Seasonal Affective Disorder (SSAD) or winter blues and Non-allergic Rhinitis (has nothing to do with winter months).

Okay, enough making myself feel like a hypochondriac.
I think they are a bit too much, too harsh. I'm not sick!
But may be Sudafed (pseudoephedrine) or Benadryl (dipenhydramine) could offer some help. Hmm, but I don't feel like going out to the chemist.
ps: I knew winter is challenging my will the day I set my feet here in Dublin. I knew it all along.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

it's november

Eh, today is November the first.

So... what does that mean? I've been neglecting this blog for a good half a month. Yeah, the usual reasons (or to be exact excuses!) being busy, being lazy, being moody, being way too happy...

Hmm, may be i'll go the more traditional way. Writing journal. Haha, just like a-level years. We'll see. For the moment, I enjoy reading blog to writing.


Monday, October 13, 2008

is it about time?

disclaimer: this is not important. don't waste your time.

the background:
I have signed up for facebook for a year minus a few days. Haven't been an active user since I find it a bit too much. In addition, I am a satisfied user of friendster. It is just enough to keep me in touch with my friend.

Many of my friends are using facebook. Some of them still keeping the fs account up to date while the others can't be bothered to open them. In the past few months, I keep receiving friend's request notifications through my email. Plus, I had recently discover my long forgotten fb password. Therefore, I added e few friends and explore a bit more about fb.

I don't really want to keep up with two virtual socialising 'thing' (can't think of the right term at the moment) because my hands and legs are pretty much tied up in the lecture halls, tutorial rooms and study table.

got the answer. It's not the time yet.

Daa~la la la...

Saturday, October 4, 2008

i'm back

this blog got to wait,
i've lots to be sorted a.s.a.p

lets start a new academic year with a laugh:

;) get serious!

Friday, June 20, 2008

post exam syndrome

I need a goal to run to...

It was less than 24 hour since I'm done with my exam this year but I was already restless. Funny, I think. Everybody just can't wait for the year to be over but when it is actually over, we left in fog.

I need a plan. Yes, I do have a list of 'to do' tucked up on my supersize softboard but I need a plan that actually work. Otherwise, I'd be feeling empty and useless. No, I don't want that...

Right, I'll go ahead with today's plan. I'm fully booked for the whole day. I can't even tell if I'll be sleeping in my own bed tonight. Haha, serve me right... nak sangat!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

OSCE done

I had my OSCE (objective structured clinical examination) this morning. Having the privilege being the first student in my class list (thanks to my father), my group started off at 9.00am. It was held at the Nursing School Practical Ward in Trinity Centre, St James's Hospital. And, it was my first time up there in the building's third level. I never know that 'ward' existed.

Once I went in, I instantly understand why Dr Martina Hennessy, our course coordinator was extremely keen lobbiying for a new clinical skills laboratory that is decent enough to teach us, medical students. Ok, I so have no mood to write about the conspiracy theory that evolved around the medical school here. As usual, I came home with 'summer' headache (that I suffer each summer whenever I go out and too shy to put on my sunglasses)...

I got to treat myself with cold headband and a good sleep now (yes, doctors do go traditional way).. After 23 stations of adrenaline pumping tests, I need this.

Tomorrow: Attend Kak Ila & friends graduation day + Summer sale in city centre is starting (so? Hehe...)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

a taste of a bite

Subhanallah, subhanallah, subhanallah...
Praise be to Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Bountiful.

My life had take a roller coaster ride recently. Yeah, it was so obvious because I didn't even bother to write a word in this blog. Not even on my very own 23rd birthday last June the 2nd.

I was so happy in months because I visited my only sister in Plymouth at the end of May, right after an exhausting mental and emotional torments of pre-clinical final exam. Due to not-so-sweet experience last year, I was also nervous to the eyes.

Alhamdulillah, I reached Plymouth in one piece. The even better part was, my sister was already there, waiting for me at the bus station. Hehe, sooo schweeet!!

All in all, it was a very good moment we shared in Plymouth. Hehe, at least my half was very pleasant. I hope my sister's was equally wonderful. One of the sweetest sisterhood moment in life. Ah, I wonder what we gonna create next. Even meaningful, insya Allah.

However, a test came along. I've got to attend a viva for pathology. A nightmare comes true. I was dumbfounded. Alhamdulillah, it was not for long. I got back on my feet. Stronger than before, ironically. Thanks to the online lectures notes and my sis's laptop (she actually sacrifice to do her assignment when I was asleep only to let me study...wuhuhu~).

I had a safe (though very long journey back to Dublin) after a sweet birthday breakfast with my sister. I got to tell you this; Mira baked me a yummy marble cake topped with whipped double cream and colourful sugar strands... and also flapjack (in paper cup?) yeay!

The viva went on as it was (no comment). Alhamdulillah, when the result came out yesterday, I made it through. I can't thank people who was supporting me enough. May Allah grant you His blessing in this world and hereafter.

Nevertheless, I would like to make a point here. It was not I've went through that matters. It was whatever I learnt along the way... because the world does not evolve around you and the drama continues...

ps: I'm falling in love with Tashiru (don't yet get the chance to know them though)~ for those who know me enough, it's very difficult to get me to like something... I wonder if I got to re-state the statement above very soon...heheh!

Friday, May 2, 2008


Mon 19 May 9.30-12.30 Pharm P2
Tue 20 May 9.30-11.30 Lab Med P2 (Path, Microb, CPC)
Wed 21 May 9.30-12.30 Path P2
Thu 22 May 9.30-12.30 Microb P2
Fri 23 May 2.00-4.00 Lab Med P3 (Practical)
Mon 26 May 9.30-5.00 Pharm Viva (Drug Kardex)
Tue 3 Jun 9.30-5.00 Microb Viva
Fri 6 Jun 9.30-5.00 Path Viva

Hmm, I shouldn't say much. Shut up and just study hard. When I could take in no more, bear with me. That's basically it.

~Love is all around. I'm trying to pay them. All.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

birthday wish

Happy birthday to (tuan) Ahmad Akmal,

wish you all the best every single second...

You always make me and our family proud of you, so stay put and remain steadfast. May Allah bless you with iman and taqwa.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

two years to answer

AmAn ShAh
04/22/2008 10:00 am
thanx jijah...camner skrang??
bila abeh study??

04/22/2008 4:52 am
nak blanja mkn no hal tp jauh 2, beribu-rigbu batu.. merentas awan dan lautan hehe
bila nk abih study?

These are my friends comments in Friendster. I hope I can give a happy answer exactly two years from today. Hmm, don't forget to ask me again that time...

I guess there's no harm to congrats my housemates; Kak Ila and Kak Zura. They already finished their final year exam yesterday. I was so happy to see them coming home smiling (I was off-ward this week to make way for their exam, yeay!). Even though the official result will only published on Thursday night, I have a good feeling that both of them will make it through.

And I, I have my final exam for a few courses next month; Clinical Pathology, Pharmacology, Microbiology. And the as a bonus, we also have OSCE. Hehe...

I am currently working on Surat-surat Perempuan Johor by Faisal Tehrani (with Ezzah screaming in the background "weh, nak exam studi la!!")

don't read

I am emotionally tired.
Losing interest on many things that used to excite me.
I wanna sleep.

Heh, what I really need? I know sleep alone won't help. I will wake up feeling exactly the same if not worse.

I know... I gotta be strong. Never to run away. Hehehehe... yeah right! I am strong as long as I am not challenged. The moment I got to fight, I am ready to collapse... huh!

Actually, I am truly sorry for this page. I think it has turned out to be the official dumping site of my bad feelings and thought. And, I kept the good for myself *evil smile*

Enough. The more I type, the more neurotic I become. (Hey, wasn't I perfectly stable just few moments ago? I think some bad witches must have put a bad spell here.)

Gotta go! Too much contamination. I better save my (partly functioning) mind.


Sunday, April 6, 2008

the dua'

Thank you Allah for giving me a good 2-week break from my routine.

I got away from hospital for two weeks. Yes, I still got to go there everyday for psychiatry & psychology lectures but at least it was a different environment. Was the hospital very bad that I come to be glad to have to attend up to 6 hour lectures a day rather that tagging along the medical or surgical team in hospital?

I don't want to answer. It made no difference anyway.

Again, I had a tiring but wonderful weekend this week. Thank you Allah.

Tomorrow I'm starting a new rotation; orthopaedic service in AMNCH. I pray to Allah that He help me through this rotation, lift up the heaviness from my heart and put smile on my face. He and He only is my protector.

O Allah I pray to You, please gather me with the people I love in this world and in Your jannah.

Ameen ya Rabbal 'alamiin...

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

a weekend full of inspiration

Yes, you can't identify which of those inspired faces belong to me. I certainly know where I sat, thus I can tell which one.
Alhamdulillah. It was not an ordinary event, and I am very grateful that I was chosen by Him to be part of them. I learnt a lot.
Thank you people, may Allah bless your sacrifices. Ameen.

Friday, March 28, 2008

broken for renovation

It has been a different week. A break from the routine means a touch of anxiety. Yes, I know I've always been anxious. In fact I am a very anxious person. Anxiety is not something that is always bad. It can do good, even though it gives you palpitations.

The good side of it, it forces me to get as prepared as I can for something, and I always put my safety first. So, there would be no worries for my mother that I would break my neck or engaged in any dangerous activity.

Now the flip side of the coin, not good... the most obvious adverse effect is anxiety causes you (i.e me) unnecessary worries. I got nervous for unbelievable reason. I still remembered an occasion where my friend just can't believe I tremble while practising in clinical skills room. Hellooo~ it's just a practice. Not even a test, let alone an exam. Ah, if I were to list the situation that can sent my heart electrical activity to complete bizarre... you'd be fast asleep before even near the end of the list. Exaggerating, am I? I am not trying to convince anyone here. Just letting my (I don't know) go.

This week.
This is the first half of our 2-week Psychiatry and Psychology Applied to Medicine + MedLine Ethics + a bit of related Pharmacology Course. It went on well. Very well I have to say.

One good news that I would like to share here, I got my first real assignment. To make it even more thrilling, it contribute 10% to our final year Psychiatry marks. I actually got really excited. Though it is not easy (I'm still struggling to keep the ball rolling) I am still hold on to my determination to accomplish something that can put a smile on my face when I recall it in the future.

This weekend.
5th Medical Symposium organised by IMAM.
Here's the secret: I'm not particularly looking forward to sacrifice my highly-savoured weekend, but I really want to break some more routine this time while holding tight to my heart, don't break.

~A smile goes a thousand miles~

Sunday, March 23, 2008


Its time to catch up, again... As it always happen, I write whenever nothing happen. Then I stopped writing when there's a lot going on, simultaneously or at least one after another. The end result; boring...

This time around, there's literally a lot happened one after another. Reason being is I suddenly decided to be a risk taker. Am I? Since when? Haha, I don't know. But apparently that was being said.

My (sudden) risk taker policy took me for a hilariously nerve-breaking back-wrecking tearful experience of a roller coaster ride. Hopefully I've paid that wonderful experience in full. It was worthwhile, even if I might not be doing it again. Ever!

Ah, my final qualifying exam for the BSc is taking place starting 19th May 2008... err that is 56 days away. So, I been studying a bit harder than usual (hey, did I study at all usually? Urgh!) with a little hope to make it through the tunnel. However, I'm not planning to graduate this year. I would prefer (definitely JPA want it this way) to grad in June 2010 with the double-degree. Hm, what that will be? MB ChB BAO (Bachelor in Medicine, Bachelor in Surgery and Bachelor in Obstetrics) and BA BSc (to be decided) ... waaa tamaknye! No wonder we are so... (no word can do us justice). Haha, sometimes the jack of all trades just crap at all business.

I pray again and again that I will make through this. I'm doing this for many people I love, thank you people.

ps: I wish Sarah the best of luck in her viva voce.


Monday, March 3, 2008

the T junction

Most of the time, we got to fight till the last breath.
But sometimes we may need to give up before being defeated.

May Allah grant us wisdom to see which is which.

Have a nice day... somewhere else!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

my, my...

February seemed to be flying off. Or, was January a bit slow? I can't believe we are coming to the last week of February. Hmm, at least we do have a 29th February this year. An extra February day.

I didn't write a lot in here this month simply because I've been feeling a bit under the weather these days. Since I wanted to make this blog less whiny, I chose not to lament here.

However, I do want to complaint of one thing. This month utility bills really rip off my bank account balance. I would say it was triple than usual. Luckily I was assigned to a nearer hospital, which means I can save on the bus tickets. But, next 8 weeks will be a different story. I'll be back in Tallaght, Dublin 24...( I live in Dublin 8) and commuting to SJH as well.

All right, money is meant to be spent anyway. And, hopefully everything is well-spent. Insya Allah.

p/s: anaesthetist?

with lots of love

azizahhh! ya Allah. i miss you so much. how are you? ee tau tak wani kat dublin 1 syawal?? tak jumpa pon. stress.
anyhow i have news! i got into oxford! for MSc! best kan?? datang la visit k?
i miss u so much

love lots,

Congratulation to my drama queen, the joyful and caring Syazwani Fatkhi. Wish you all the best. You definitely deserve to be there.

Feb 21st

My ever sweet lil sis 21st birthday!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

to err is human

Treat the tiredness by being busy.
'Treat' the 'tiredness' by being 'busy'.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

black hole inside

Something is missing somewhere... I hate to admit this. But I got no satisfactory explaination for the whole thing. Could you miss something that you don't ever acknowledge its existence? Or, the fact that you are missing it proved that it actually real?

I am left with question marks all around...

What is it? I do not know for sure. And, that's bad. When you got no diagnosis, you can't initiate definitive treatment. Yes, symptomatic relief may be heplful. But, at the same time it could potentially be as dangerous by accelerating the whole event. Arghh!

My time is running out~

Sunday, February 3, 2008

good thing grows

One thing leads to another. You do one job well, you tend to do the next task as good, then more of them follow... The same goes when you take a terrible step. Somehow, it is easier to get even further from the true path.
So, do only correct things otherwise resign, heh?

Ok, I'm so sleepy at the moment. Can't figure out what makes me tired...


Sunday, January 27, 2008


My sweet little sister is coming back from her endless trip around Europe. Hehe, can't wait to her stories!! I miss the moment we literally bergayut on the phone for hours, and I ended up forgetting most of the things we talked about. Opps, sorry Mi! You know I love you, regardless of my couldn't-care-less attitude.

Last but definitely not least, thanks a bunch for the postcards you send me this year. I particularly like the one from Dartmoor and Lisbon. I didn't know Portugal is so beautiful!

ps: Please pay me a visit, special for your kakak...

Saturday, January 26, 2008

the BIG secret

my secret hide-out
ps: sarah, may the curiosity cheer you up!

oncology month

It's over. My third rotation.
A quick recap: September rotation was on gastroenterology (medicine) with Dr Nasir Mahmud in SJH, November rotation was urology (surgery) under Mr Robert Flynn in AMNCH and the latest was this January, I spent the month with AMNCH oncology team lead by Dr Janice Walshe.

Firstly, a big thank you for them all:
Dr Janice Walshe (consultant oncologist)
~Wish you the best of luck with your first baby. You rock Dr Walshe! Which 36-week pregnant lady tattering in her 3-inch high heels all day long and maintain her undivided passion towards her patients? No wonder they love you so much! Enjoy your maternity leave, doctor. You're a real inspiring being. Good luck!

Dr Miriam O'Connor (specialist registrar & locum consultant)
~Miriam, thanks a lot for all the teaching. Now I think I did do an oncology rotation, not mere wasting my time running around a hospital and torturing my feet.

Dr Janusz (say Yenesz) Mezynski (registrar)
~I seriously feel like picking up a fight with you! I hate you but I like you. And I really do appreciate your effort. I understand you want the best for me, but please don't be too hard... I hope I can get back to you sometime near my exam to get lectured again *wink*

Dr Nadira Hamid (senior house officer)
~I wonder if you can speak malay. Wish that I can learn more from you but I understand there's lots of thing to do for the patients. ps: don't forget to go back to Singapore when you're tired of the money here. Heh-he.

Nolaigh O'Sullivan (oncology liaison nurse)
~I like your name. Soo Irish!

Dr Raymond McDermott (another consultant oncologist, not actually my consultant, but invited me to his teaching session since his student didn't turned up)
~ The cutest consultant I ever met.

and everyone else especially Webb Ward & Transition Unit staffs.
~You all are very nice and helpful.

Ahh~ one opportunity taken. Could have done more, but I am happy enough to leave. May the afterglow lasts.

Ready for action?
Coming up next: Head and Neck Surgery in St James' Hospital.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

my first dream

I know that I'm not so ambitious. I think I could settle down with something basic and simple. Yet, as I was taking each turn down my lifeline, I looked back. Which of my decision had been an easy one?

While I usually have had the choices, that equally promising in their own senses, I would reach to the oddest. Am I so in love with challenges? Am I actually adventurous? Ha-ha!

I always believe (or made to believe) that there's something about myself yet to be discovered. The unrevealed destiny. I believe it would be a unique, special and beautiful one... whatever it is. A sweetdream isn't it?

I do not know for sure. For the time being, I see living life is like eating an elephant. Take a bite at a time. And please, bite as much as you (i.e I) can chew. Only. I don't want to be choking and end up in A&E.

Though as lost as I am, I know I have a dream. The first (and only?) vivid dream I have at the moment. I know how I wanted to die. It was since I'd seen a beautiful death, and I wished to have the same one day. It wasn't perfect of course, but it was peaceful.


Hmm, what a wierdo. I can't see how I want to live my life yet I know how I want to end it. Aiyya amoi, do something la!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

dozing off

I'm tired too~

There's a lot happened yesterday and today, particularly in the hospital. I really wanted to scribble some thoughts here. But, na-ah... the muscle ache demanded its right.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

what have i done?

I am very sorry. I had disappoint you. I behave badly this weekend. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but will you make up with me? I feel real bad.

Yours sincerely,
I-who-wanted-to make-peace.

One thing leads to another. We can never satisfy our whims. One desire granted, more to come. And the chain never break.

Or, was it me? I need to learn to forgive and forget quickly. Otherwise I'll be ruining my dear life in no time. And too bad, I only have one.

However, sometimes I do feel like I'm the cat with nine lives. Unbelievably lucky I am... When things got REAL bad or at least VERY CHRONIC, I will just saved! The divine intervention, I have to say...(thank you!!!). Great wasn't it? The only not so great thing is I can't remember how many times I already woke up from deaths. Which means... I have no idea how many lives I left with? One? Two? Or,have I used them all? Urgh! I could be dead next time...

...This one that I'm living could be the last...

Hey, is there any chance that I can recharge my live?

ps: congratulation to suzila othman & mohd fadli (oh, please i got it right) on their marriage. i only got to know the news this afternoon. and thanks also to zila who invited me to the mini conference.

you don't wanna read this

This week was pretty hectic. Lots to do, many done, even more to get done.

Happy? I am. But I was so tired towards the end of the week that I can barely open my eyes after dinner. I only managed to sit around for maybe half an hour (with the help of my housemate and her telly) before I pray and fell asleep.

Saturday. I need to do my groceries as well as the house groceries. Done.

I wanted my Sunday off. But, hellooo~ students have no holiday!
*wink* I got around that one! Don't tell anyone, promise?

p/s: Sarah, sorry for the very early morning call. Still, I'm glad that I caught you before you set off on your busy schedule that day!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

sarah dearie

happy birthday to my siti sarah fazalul rahiman

i wish Allah will continue shower your life with happiness, success, barakah and rahmah.
may you grow stronger each day.

no word can do justice to such a nice and inspiring being you are, sarah.
o Allah, grant sarah and the people she loves Your jannah, ameen...

Sunday, January 13, 2008

fight on

"Undergraduate degree is where you embrace the true meaning of discipline. Doing and finishing things you don't like in order to achieve what you Like with that capital L. It's about character building, professionalism development and attitude alignment. Experience all the opportunities that you come across... InsyaAllah you will discover what Allah truly wants you to fulfill as His khalifah."

Saturday, January 12, 2008

iron-coated gold

My life is full of irony (of course I only have the right to talk about my life). At least, it is true to my mind. I don't always like things that happened to me. Sometimes, I don't just don't like them, I hate them. Ironically, the more I hate them, the more I know deep down that they gonna stay with me... until I like, or to the very least accept them. Then only, I am free.

God knows. But, how much I suffer, I thanked Him for that. Life is full of things I don't like (to say it in a polite way for once) so I think He wants me to learn to be thankful from the very very bottom of my heart. It was a hard lesson. I took (do I have choice?) the subject for years but never completed to this day. I enjoy learning anyway.

Sometimes it can be funny though. Most of the time I end up liking the things I hated for so long. Haha. Good for me. I wish eventually I will enjoy the things I've been dreading all this while. Not a mere dream. I will.

However, I noticed a problem. Or, maybe my best friend noticed it first... I'm not sure, but it's not that important. Lets focus on the problem. The problem is I cannot make myself freely like something. More often than not, my desires are overcome by fear, all sorts of fear. For something I wish to have, I fear of disappointment. For the thing I wanted to achieve, I fear of failure. For a game I wish to play, I fear of being fooled. Urgh, I've got fear for everything!

By far, I think this is the worse... even for the things I already have, I fear of losing them.

Again, it's an irony~ I enjoy the game I supposed to lose.
Because if I lose, that's it.
But, if I win... I am above expectation.
~ a happy pathetic!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

hospital is brilliant

Ah-ha! What should that means?
I am just being honest here. Even though I've never been so keen to be a doctor, I do enjoy being in the hospital (apart from being a patient of course!).

There's so much to learn here in hospital (ps: I'm in AMNCH computer lab now) both from the medical team and everybody else. I see how people get through medical adversities, making way in medical career, coping with endless workload, dealing with dying issues, working with others who equally as stress as we are and the list goes on...

Would I be a better person at the end of the day?
I bet.

But we are humans, don't we? I pray that I would be able to put up with life. And, I pray equally as hard that people would be able to put up with me. Hehe~ whatever that means.


Wednesday, January 9, 2008


Praise be to Allah. He had made my days warm with love and sunny with sustenance, despite the full blown winter these days. It was raining all day long, almost everyday. Sometimes, there's normal watery rain, sometimes it's snow, sometimes there's hailstones.

I could never thank Him enough. Today, 1st of Muharram 1429H. We celebrate our Hijrah new year. And I got a whole new experience to explore. What is it? Hehe, secret. I am nervous but excited. Can't wait!!

It's spring in my heart~

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it. - John Churton Collins

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

this does not help

I apology.
Still, I can't help but to feel frustated with the quality of most of lecture notes given by the lecturers.

While some of them are of excellent quality (I remembered Dr Paul Spiers pharmacology notes last year), some of them are just guiding the lecturers on what to say in the lectures, not in coherent flow, full of I-don't-know-what-for charts, too simple or completely 'messy'. And, is it not good to know that a good number of them are just don't exist?

Yes, I can't help but to feel frustated. Don't they know that medicine is tough? Or, they are very kind to prepare us for the ugly reality of life by doing this? I am sorry. That's not considered a justification.

Oh, and I am very envious of RCSI medic students. Particularly regarding this notes matter. And also for many other reasons. I know they work hard. A lot harder than us.

I'm just too tired wasting so much time on rearranging and rewriting the GU notes.
My neck is starting to kill me.

Again, I am sorry. I promised not to whine too much this year, but I need to let out this disappointment.


sometimes, sometimes

How many mistakes it takes to make things right?

Nobody has a definite answer. Definitely each of us would hope that the answer is none. Or, the most people want is one. But, the reality usually says that things may need more than one mistake. Depending on how complex the things are, a few mistakes normally won't be enough to teach you a good lesson. And, I have to say, it also depend on how fast or how slow of a learner you are. Heheh, *wink*

Sometimes, I have no problem making mistakes and learn from it.
Sometimes, I deliberately make mistake just to see whether something is right or wrong.
Sometimes, it's bitter for me to accept the truth.
Sometimes, I just lost my balance, let my emotion plummet just because of a simple mistake.

How was that?

That's perfectly normal, says a psychologist.
We have to do more investigations here, says a radiologist.
Let's see if there's anything need to be fixed, says a surgeon.

Er, how was that?

Sunday, January 6, 2008

thank you


Thank you Allah for sending me people to bring happiness into my day.
I was troubled for days and out of sudden He took up the sadness from my heart, thank you Allah.

For the people who bring light into my heart and put up smiles on my face, may Allah bless your day... ameen.

favourite poem

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood,
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two woods diverged in a wood,
and I- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

wanna be with you

You know I want to be with you
go through this lesson of life
sharing with you what I've gone through
so that you don't have to make the same mistake
learning from you what you have learned
so that I can face the world more confidently
exploring the unknown together
so that we can become richer, wiser

Missing the time we are together,
I love you all...


It was the first phone call in two weeks. She was not on top of her world these days, neither do he.
"Sorry, I'm not in the mood to talk. I'm very tired" He said just after a few minutes of talking over the phone.
"It's okay. I understand. You take care there, have a good rest." She hung up.

How could a hesitancy to carry out this kind of conversation can lead to a relationship breakdown?

And why is it harder to be empathic and offer your understanding to the the most important person to you?

... Naah, it won't happen to me, the caring and selfless person I know. Heh, until it happen to you!

We are not somebody we think until we had been challenged. Are we caring enogh for others when we ourselves are tired, sad, depressed, disturbed? Are we able to push ourselves forward to help others when we are in pain, denied, discriminated, losing our ends?

And, how could you manage to do that with some people and you simply lose your ground with the others?


p/s: hey Mal, be tough my boy!

messy mind

I find it hard to write in this blog. I feel like I have no direction. Yes, nothing but personal here. Yet, what do I want to tell who? Hmm, who? Ehehe... my very own self and my lil sis (true until now)... I do have the plan to tell my best friend about this modest blog. Haha, she could be mad if she found out that I waited until almost two months to tell her. Sorry dear.

A question here, did I challenge myself too much? More than I can ever take?
The answer: logically, nothing big was put on my shoulder, nothing that I couldn't possibly bear.

But, can't you see? I am crippling. Every single day was like a punishment. While everything on the outside seemed unbelievably happy to be on my side, everything just very wrong within. I could not even come to term with myself. It was like a denied conflict, a creeping disease, eating me inside out. Whooaa, sooo scary!

This far that I have came, this much that I have achieved, I just cannot deny that I missed my old naive hadworking self. If only we can keep what we had and gain what we want at the same time! *sigh*

The tension of the opposites~ it is.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

laugh out loud

I was surprised of myself. I didn't bother to write in this blog for 4 days? Hmm, I guess it was not because nothing interesting happened these days, but there are just too much!

I messed up with a relatively new friend just few minutes after we talk casually. Reason? Nothing very clear inflicted. But, I believe the 'nothing very clear' was the cause... Now, my mind cleared up a bit since we have resolved the problem, at least at the moment. I know, the time will come when I mess up once again, and again... because that's just me. I create conflict when things are unbelievably smooth. Urgh, how do I make friend this way?

p/s: I apology for the things I say. There's some truth in them, but I must have said them I in misleading ways which add on the mess to the whole thing.

Next, the hospital. Oh, it's my saviour. Saved me from damaging myself even further. Wake up, enough damage done, ding dong!!

Last night I read an entry in our batch website. Hmm, Licence to Wed? I looked up for the movie and watched it, fell asleep halfway through, and continue watching the last bit this morning. Not too bad... it left me few big questions on relationship, with nobody to answer. Well, I watched it all alone, no right to complaint =p

Yes, reality hurts. Reality make you stand on the unfirm ground, shake your stability, challenge your certainty, mock your sense of ability and these and those... Yet, only a coward refuse to live in reality. All others wanted it real. Just because... it's real. Do I need more reason?

Ah, why do I still feel guilty here? Something is not right, not right...

p/s: thank you for letting go

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

new year resolution

Alhamdulillah, I woke up this morning feeling better than I had expected. Even though I still cough quite a lot and my throat a bit sore, I feel much better today. Most importantly, I got my voice back... praise be to Allah.

So, since my voice is almost back to normal today, I called my sister for more than two hours (phew!), my family in Malaysia and I tried to call my brother. Hmm, he was still unreachable. An unresolved mystery...

Next, I laid down my target for the year 2008. I actually had a few copies of target and plan which I drew every now and then. But, I think a new year would make a good turning point for something... that's what I read in motivational book.

In the end, I make up three resolution for this year. Specific enough for me to act on (not the vague "I wanna be a better person") yet universal enough to be put on the wall (hehe, I wouldn't be poking at my own privacy, would I?).

And one more thing. Here they are, my AZAM 2008:
1) Jadi rajin - buang sikap malas
2) Hargai masa - kurangkan masa online
3) Gigih berusaha - jangan pernah putus asa

1) Be hardworking - get rid of laziness
2) Appreciate my time - reduce time spent online
3) Persevere - never ever give up!