are you afraid of the dark?

The clock is spinning. Somehow I believe it spins faster these days. Everything seems to change their definition of moving. No more leisure stroll, things simply run. Even my heart seems to keep up with the world. It pounds faster. I can hardly distract myself from every beat it makes. At least it does show something..."Alhamdulillah, I am alive."

But I felt left out. Time is running up. And I am still indecisive upon my destination. Where am I heading to? What do I really do with my life?

I am scared. So scared that I can't make any good of helps offered to me. It's like saving a struggling drowning person. And it takes long. Longer than I can bear. So long that I keep forgetting what I've been struggling for. And each time I recall, I became more afraid than ever.

How do I save myself?

This was not a new question. A question I had not been able to answer satisfactorily. Until this very day, I keep searching for an answer. The answer that I can hold on to, that I am able and will continuously able to hold on to for the rest of my life.

It's not easy. In fact, some days it becomes harder and even more blurred than it had been. I was lost, and every time I thought I have found some lights... I got a black out.

I think. I read. I observe. I write. I speak out.
But I am left in the fog most of the time.
May I just let go and go..?
No. Not yet.
Not yet.
No.

Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop. ~Usman B. Asif